All moved in!

We have been very busy. I feel so out-of-touch with family, friends, and everything else going on in the world. Our first month back from SL was spent visiting family and friends, our second month spent staying w/ some great friends (while I was adjusting to a new job and Ryan still job hunting). Finally, after being back for 2 months, we are in our apartment. We have felt a bit like nomads for over 7 months now. And I can’t tell you how nice it has been for us to have a place we can call our home… and not to mention the convenience of being able to access all our stuff. After diving into our storage unit a couple times just to find a few items – that was enough to drive us crazy and make us never want to move again!

As you can tell, this thing wasn’t very fun to pack or unpack. Luckily, Ryan has played his fair share of tetris in his life… or we would have never been able to fit all our stuff in this tiny storage unit (he was determined to make it all fit!). And we’re thankful for our great friends who helped us unpack this thing and help us move into our apartment!

Last weekend we moved in on a very cold, and snowy day. We were told that we had the best apartment on the property (unobstructed views of Pikes Peak from all windows!), but we couldn’t tell as it was so cloudy. Later that day as Ryan and I were unpacking boxes, the sun came out and revealed the beautiful view!

Wow! I’m still amazed every time I walk by a window… it looks like a painting on the wall! This is another one of God’s sweet gifts and reminders that He is here and providing for us! We are so thankful for the many ways He has blessed us.

“Coming Home”

We’re finally ‘home’. After a month of visiting family and friends, we finally made our way back to Colorado. And I must say it has been nice to be back. Ryan and I were concerned about how we’d feel about being anywhere once coming back from Sierra Leone. We weren’t for sure if any place would feel right again. Especially after spending 3 weeks in east-TN with family, then a week with friends in  mid-TN and then TX. Although it was good for us to visit with everyone, we definitely had this unsettling feeling… not knowing where we really belonged.

Then, we saw (something like) this…

 

(ok, ok – it wasn’t this exactly… but I didn’t take pictures and had to find something on-line that resembled what we saw)

Just as Ryan and I were complaining about how flat and boring our drive had been from mid-TN to TX, then TX to New Mexico… we were suddenly surprised with this amazing lil view of the sun setting over the Rockies. (Wow… I didn’t realize how much I had fallen in love with the Rockies.) Me and Ryan gasped at the same time as our view changed and we looked at each other and knew, this was ‘home’. Up till that point, I felt like I had been seeing everything in a shades of gray and this was my first glimpse of color. It was beautiful and a sweet gift from God. The timing was perfect as the sky kept changing beautiful shades of pink, purple, then bright red as we were winding through the changing landscape listening to “O Praise Him” by David Crowder. It was the perfect home-coming.

This all may sound cheesy, especially to those of you who think there is nothing special about Colorado. But it really isn’t just about ‘Colorado’ for us. This place represents a lot of things for me and Ryan. Too much for me to explain here. But we’ve felt God moving in our hearts a lot and continually drawing us back here. And God has absolutely captivated me with His beauty here. I can’t imagine going on vacation anywhere but the mountains (Mt.Princeton to be exact). I just want to get lost here (especially in the winter) and marvel in the beauty and grandeur of God’s creation. It’s very humbling for me.

Anyways, I’d like to leave you with a song that Ryan and I were listening to as we were coming back to Colorado (for a second time) that puts everything into perspective for me and where my true Home really is.

“Coming Home”

Arthur Alligood

 

You were right in what you said

As we were driving back from our small hometown

There’s really no feeling like coming home

After being gone for awhile

If we feel this way now

Imagine how we’ll feel when we take our final trip

If we feel this way now

Imagine what we’ll say when reach those pearly gates

 

I get homesick sometimes

And I’ve never really seen my home

It’s understood on this earth

That where you lay your head is where your home is

But I’ve come to disagree

Our home is beyond the blue skies

Can’t see it with your eyes

But I know it’s there

Dad has been building us our homes

With driveways paved of gold

 

It’s so reassuring to know

That we’ll all be together someday

It’s so reassuring to know

If not on this earth

In a far higher place

In a far higher place

 

You were right in what you said

There’s really no feeling like coming home

Returning Home

Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin.  It’s been 3 weeks since we left Freetown and I feel like I’ve been caught in a time warp ever since we returned. As we were preparing to leave Freetown, we were talking about the reverse culture shock that we would be facing once we returned.  As much as we tried, you can never really prepare for it.  Someone likened it to the children in the Chronicles of Narnia.  When they return from years in Narnia back to the real world, they find that time stood still while they were gone.  Even though they come back as different people, they are entering into a world that has not changed.

I think that’s the best way to describe how I’m feeling.  It feels like we took this time-out from the ‘real’ world and now are returning.  The problem is we don’t fit back in.  And people don’t realized we’ve changed.  I’m not the same person you last saw in August.  It wasn’t just a fun little missions trip; it wasn’t just seeking some crazy adventure.  The people in Freetown are real, their stories are real, and they are still there living day after day.

It’s frustrating that people don’t get it and hard not to take it personal.  So now I’m wondering where do I go with all this? What do I do with it?  How do I continue to remember all those I met in Sierra Leone but move forward with life here?  How can I live in respect and honor of those that I had the privilege to meet in Freetown?

Christmas thoughts

It’s late and I can’t sleep. I just can’t stop thinking about how much our realities have changed in a matter of a week. Just over a week ago we were in Freetown, Sierra Leone. One of our last days there was spent in Kroo Bay at our last Good News Club. We were handing out tickets for the Christmas party that we wouldn’t be able to attend. This Christmas party wasn’t just any ole Christmas party… this was ‘the’ Christmas party to these kids. And I can’t believe me and Ryan were not there for it.

And now, I can’t believe how much I have been stuffing my face w/ all this holiday food when I just left hundreds of starving kids in Kroo Bay. It disturbs me how easy it is for me to return to this ‘American culture’. I had hoped that 4 months in a foreign country so different from our culture would help break me from this American culture… but I’m realizing that it is going to take so much more. I don’t know how to reconcile these 2 worlds. 4 months in Sierra Leone isn’t enough to break years of over-indulgence and self-centeredness. I wish it was… but it takes something much greater than a ‘place’ to break free from those bondages.

And of all the times to return from one of the poorest countries… to one of the richest at the most over-indulgent, commercialized, and hypocritical times of year. Do I sound a bit bitter? Sorry, but I’m just a lil confused and frustrated at what Christmas has turned into. Everything just feels so unsettled for me right now. Nothing makes any sense. It just doesn’t seem right that I was worried whether my nieces and nephew would have enough this Christmas when they opened countless gifts in a matter of a few days when only a lucky 300 kids from one of the poorest slums in Sierra Leone only got one gift while the rest recieved none. It didn’t feel right to open so many gifts myself.

I apoligize for those of you who were looking for a warm and fuzzy holiday post. But these are just some of my thoughts as Ryan and I are struggling through the holidays back in America after our short stay in SL. If anything, I think struggling through all of this is really making me and Ryan re-evaluate our own lives and why we do what we do. One thing I have noticed is that me and Ryan have been closer this Christmas than we ever have before. And I’m thankful for that.

[For those of you who may not know what I'm refering to: the ministry we served with in SL runs a weekly program (Good News Club) in one of the poorest slums in SL and they have a big Christmas party that hundreds of kids look forward to all year. They get to feast on good food, open a present, dance and have fun, and get loved on by the awesome people who plan the whole event. But only a portion of all those kids can go b/c of limited space and resources, hence the tickets. For those of you who are interested, you can read here about this years' Christmas party.]

Wi don don

Wi don don (we are finished).  It’s really unbelievable, we’re getting ready to head to the airport in a few hours.  We haven’t posted in a while so, just to give you a quick update, here are some of the things that we’ve been staying busy with over the last few weeks:

1) We had our servant team retreat to Banana Island – a beautiful, secluded, peaceful island just up the coast from Freetown.  It was a great place to take time to begin to process these last 4 months.  It was great to get away together to remember and dwell upon the places we’ve seen God working here in this place and in our own lives.

2) Last Saturday I led the Kroo Bay Good News Club.  It was one of the most crowded Clubs we’ve had since we’ve been here.  We’re going through the four weeks of advent and I was focusing on the sheperd’s story.  I thought what better way to tell the story than by being one of the sheperds.  Most of the kids were somewhere between terrified, amazed, and confused when I came out dressed as a sheperd.  One of the little kids nearly wet himself when I grabbed him with my staff.  Oh well, it was worth a shot. 

3) Ropes Course outing – last Sunday I led a ropes course day at the beach for the Lighthouse kids.  It was a great way for the kids to work on teamwork and have fun at the same time.  The kids loved the games and swimming in the pool.  It was a lot of work to get it set up but was totally worth it to see how much fun they had. 

4) Dance party – Friday night Candace planned a farewell/dance party for the Lighthouse kids.  It was a fun night filled with a lot of pictures, lots of smiles, lots of dancing and some great jollof rice.  It was also a touching night as the kids and staff went around and shared what they appreciate about us and what they will miss about us.  It was really weird hearing them because we truly feel that we received so much more from them than we ever gave….but, like our field director said, love is usually like that. 

So, as I’ve taken the time to reflect on these last 4 months, I realized that when you’re in the midst of a tough journey, the path feels so long, but once you reach the end you realize that the journey really wasn’t that long at all and you’re coming out a different person than when you began. Not only that, but in hindsight it’s the good times from the journey that are etched in your memory rather than the tough ones.  So, the time has come.  This week has been filled with lots of goodbyes.  Something about saying goodbye to the people here just doesn’t feel right. I don’t know what it is. I think it’s this feeling of I came, I saw, I experienced, and now I’m leaving – but the kids and the people we’ve spent the last 4 months with don’t have that option.  They don’t get to leave.  They’re here to stay.  It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.  All I know is that I want to respect these people once I leave, whatever that looks like.  I want to remember them, to share their stories, to fight for them - even from thousands of miles away.

So, as we write our final post from Africa, I’ve decided that  instead of saying goodbye, I’m going to adopt the saying that the boys here all use.  There’s no good-byes……. just “Next time”.

‘Home’

Before I get into ‘how’ I am doing, I thought I’d share a bit about our first night since Ryan has already posted about our past few days.

Our first night here was very interesting to say the least. I guess you could say we were a bit freaked out, but we are doing much better now. As we got off the plane in Freetown, we met up w/ our servant team leader. We thought things were going unusually smooth as we got our bags and headed out of the airport, until we met all the people outside who wanted to ‘help’ us. That was crazy – I felt like we had to fight 20 or so men for our bags – we couldn’t even walk. Then we took the hovercraft over to Freetown and briefly met a few of the staff before Cami took us to meet and stay w/ our Sierra Leone family. By this time it was getting really late – about 10pm… which seems really late when you are in a foreign country that doesn’t have electricity all the time. Not long after meeting our family and getting us settled in our room, Cami left. As me and Ryan just sat there, we were realizing how unprepared we were. We had no idea of the culture we were in and this style of life – which is much simpler than America. For the first night and following day, we were really freaked out, just b/c we didn’t understand the culture (we didn’t want to offend anyone by doing weird American things), we didn’t know the family we were living w/, and it was harder to communicate w/ the locals than what I thought. But after few days and a lot of answered questions, we feel much better, safer, and more comfortable than what we originally felt.

I love our family. They are so sweet and nice to us. The only hard thing about it is that I am having a really hard time w/ the language. Even the locals’ English is hard for me to understand (b/c of the thick Krio accent). So, I feel like I have a hard time communicating w/ our family. I shy away from knowing them b/c I can’t understand what they are saying, and b/c I don’t know Krio yet, I think they have a hard time understanding me.

These past few days have been filled w/ a lot of questions for me. I wonder, ‘why are we here? how can we really help?’ and many more questions that are too hard for me to put into words. I look around and think about the short time we are here and can’t help but think that it is not enough time to really make a difference and help. I feel selfish for being here for the length of time we are b/c I feel like Ryan and I will gain from it more than what we offer. I feel like we have already seen how this trip will ‘benefit’ us and draw us closer to God… but I don’t understand what I can do to help… and for that I feel selfish. I hope that as time passes and we find out how we will be spending our days, that I will begin to see that; but for now… I’m still wondering. I can already see how God is going to use our time here to strengthen me and Ryan’s marriage. We already feel so much closer. And w/in the first hr of being in Freetown, I could see how God was already pricking my heart and how He could possibly be using this trip to challenge something He’s been teaching me since I first came to know Him…

As Cami was taking us to our family’s house that first night, she was telling us that she had been here for 5 yrs (1 of those yrs being by herself!). I asked her if this place felt like ‘home’ to her yet (a question I had asked a few other staff members already), and I can’t remember her exact answer, but it was something along the lines of - no, b/c this place was not her ‘Home’ and that she was just a visitor here trying to do the best w/ the time God had given her. That statement hit me like a ton of bricks, b/c ever since I came to know God personally, He has continually been teaching me of Heaven – my true Home. I would say that everything that God has done in my life or has taught me has always led back to this… Heaven… His dwelling… my Home. For those of you who know me, you know what I’m talking about… and for those of you who don’t know me that well, it’s just too much for me to explain at the moment. But anyways, the next night we went walking on the beach w/ some of the staff and a few of the children. One of the boys was holding my hand as we walked and I remember looking around and thinking about everything and feeling so uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to communicate w/ this boy or understand him, I didn’t feel at ‘home’. Nothing felt cozy or comfortable… not even the beach. And then I realized… maybe what I was feeling was right. Maybe I’m supposed to feel like a visitor here (on this planet) all the time. Being a ‘visitor’ in another country has made me realize that I am always a ‘visitor’. This place is not my ‘Home’. My home is not in Colorado, Tennessee, or here in Sierra Leone. It is w/ my Father, where my mother has already gone. My mother is at Home. I am just here until I join her w/ the rest of my Father’s children when our time here is over. And like Cami, I want to learn to do the best w/ the time God has given me, instead of spending my time and energy trying to make my ‘home’ here. I guess this lesson is a big one for me to learn b/c after being here a few short days, I have realized how I have tried to make this place my ‘home’ and God is teaching me that my Home is elsewhere and He hasn’t called me there yet… He has asked me to be here for now. So, I guess I’m learning to be a ‘visitor’ wherever I am… not just in this unfamiliar country.

Ow de bodee!

Koushay padis! (Hello friends)  Well, Candace and I are getting settled into life here in Freetown.  As much as we tried to prepare ourselves, I believe there really is no way to truly be ready.  The learning curve has definitely been steep these first few days and I’m sure that will continue througout our time here.  In just 5 days our experiences have ranged from scary to heartbreaking to joyous and exciting.

Just to give you a brief update, we are staying with the Freemans near downtown.  We have a separate room (about 80 square feet) in their compound.  They have a bathroom at the back of the compound with a toilet and shower, which are privileges here.  The room is definitely warm and cozy, but we feel blessed to have everything we need.  The Freemans are so loving and really look after us.  We’re learning to get around town both by walking and taking poda-podas (vans they cram about 18 people into).  The language is definitely a barrier but hopefully the learning curve will be steep for that as well.  The food is an adjustment, but luckily neither of us have gotten sick yet.  The city is frantic and dirty, but strangely appealing.  The majority of people are nice and like to say hello to the “white man” and “white gayl”, but we’re still getting used to all the staring.

For me one of the most heartbreaking but uplifting parts was our visit to the Kroo Bay slum, which is about 5 minutes from where we live.  It’s difficult to believe that people can truly live as they do here.  We’re entering the end of the rainy season, so the rivers are high and the majority of the slum is flooded.  However, as we walked through all of the children came running up to us yelling “Alle, Alle” and would hug us.  They know that the “white people” do the Good News Club on Saturdays and “Alle, Alle” is a song they sing there.  Although this place was disgusting, it was the warmest place I’ve experienced thus far in the city.  The children here truly are the most beautiful, precious children I have ever met.  I hope to be able to devote some extra time to the people of Kroo Bay while I’m here.

I know Candace is writing about some of our struggles and prayer requests, so I won’t go into that here.  We truly appreciate all the prayers, love, and support we’ve received.  Even through right now we feel helpless and useless, our prayer right now is that we will pour out everything we have on these people during our time in Freetown – all our efforts, all our love, all our energy, and that God will somehow bring it all together and bless these beautiful people.  Thanks again and let us know how you all are doing as well.

Learning to “be”

For those of you that know me well, you know I don’t like change.  I like structure, a plan, a schedule.  Well, life right now for Candace and I is all about transition……finishing up at work, putting everything in storage, getting everything ready for Africa.  In the midst of all this, God has continually reminded me to just “be”.  To be in the moment, in the day, in the present, rather than constantly worrying about tomorrow or next month.  It’s definitely not easy, but as I’m learning to do that, I feel the joy and freedom of life coming back to me.

I’m seeing that learning to be in the moment frees us up to see God in the midst of our day to day lives.  I feel America is cursed, cursed with what many would consider “blessings”.  Our culture is a slave to the constant demands of life.  All of our ”blessings” require so much time, energy, and attention, that it seems nearly impossible to just live in the moment.  It seems life begins to be more about survival, just trying to survive day to day, rather than enjoying each day.

I’m not sure if any of this even makes sense.  All I know is that for me, as I prepare to go to Africa and learn to just “be”,  I feel I’m in the beginning stages of a “detox” of sorts.  A detox from the drugs of our American culture….drivennness, greed, self-centeredness, etc.  And these things are not easy to purge from the heart.  At the same time, I feel hope.  Hope that God will release me from these drugs and that I will experience freedom….. to enjoy life, relationships, and God.

June Update

Well, it’s June and summer is finally here!  It’s an exciting time for Candace and I, as we feel like one season is ending and we’re now starting to move into the new season of preparation and then our trip to Sierra Leone.  Candace just finished up school and is looking at a relaxing summer doing some babysitting and other things she finally has time for.  I gave my notice to work and my last day will be on June 27.  We’ve also finished up with some other commitments, which is giving us the time to relax and breathe a little bit.  Overall, we’re just hoping to use the summer to slow down, spend some time in the mountains, and prepare our hearts for Africa.

It’s been amazing how God has continually reaffirmed that this trip is his next step for us on this journey.  After spending our first few months worrying about our support and whether we would make our deadlines, God has showed up in a HUGE way.  We are at over 90% of our support and we’ve still got two more months!!   It’s been convicting to see just how little faith I have in God.  Sometimes it blows my mind why I think that I can make something happen with my own abilities, rather than just trusting it to God.  Anyways, I’m sure there’ll be more to come on that subject later because I’m sure this entire journey will be one that challenges us and grows us in ways we never even expected.